In a stressful encounter, you may have less than two minutes to gain control and salvage the situation.
In a book by Mark Goulston MD. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, Goulston recommends a five-step mental process, whether you’re dealing with a fender-bender, enraged teenager or work situation:
In a book by Mark Goulston MD. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, Goulston recommends a five-step mental process, whether you’re dealing with a fender-bender, enraged teenager or work situation:
1. “Oh, F#@&!” (Reaction Phase): “This is a disaster. I’m screwed. It’s all over.”
2. “Oh, God!” (Release Phase): “This is a huge mess. I’m stuck with it. Why me?”
3. “Oh, Jeez!” (Re-Center Phase): “I can fix this, but it’s not going to be fun.”
4. “Oh, Well…” (Refocus Stage): “I’m not going to let this ruin my career/day/relationship. Here’s what I need to do right now to make it better.”
5. “OK.” (Reengage Phase): “OK, I’m ready to fix this. Let’s go.”
Many of us don’t listen very well, especially when it comes to the people we deal with each day. We think we already know what they’re going to say.
When we size people up instantly, we form some pretty good first impressions. The problem is, these impressions often last forever and many are a jumbled mix of fact, fiction, prejudice and unconscious intuitions.
When we size people up instantly, we form some pretty good first impressions. The problem is, these impressions often last forever and many are a jumbled mix of fact, fiction, prejudice and unconscious intuitions.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can change the dynamics of a relationship. In that instant, you “get” each other, and this breakthrough leads to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication.
When you mirror what another person feels, she’s hardwired to mirror you in return. When you say, “I understand what you’re feeling” — and you mean it — she will feel grateful and, in return, express her appreciation with a desire to understand you. It’s an irresistible biological urge that pulls another person toward you.
We use filters to put people in mental boxes before we really know them, for example:
- Gender (and all the stereotypes that go with it...)
- Generation (age)
- Ethnic background (names, skin colour, etc.)
- Education (level, manner of speaking)
- Looks (dress, hair, body size,)
Check your filters, and examine how well you truly hear what someone is saying.
With thanks: Coach2Coach newsletter, February 2 2010
